


Blowing bubbles and forgetting about their fragility

by FanFicReader01



Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: Bubbles - Freeform, Death, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Gun Violence, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Violence, War, brief mention of jaska, bubble blowing, chap three has all the violence, i call her jennifer, jari's sister, mentioned drug use, no longer drug user tho, olli the soldier, poor jari, poor olli, tags will change, that escalated quickly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-17 08:43:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10590459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFicReader01/pseuds/FanFicReader01
Summary: ‘Who even names stuff that doesn’t even last that long?’, he wonders out loud but then Marko remembers that people are just like those bubbles. They are created, they roam free in the world and then they disappear again.





	1. A lazy afternoon in the clouds with bubbles

God, or Marko as he likes to be called nowadays, is sitting in his chair. He is bored.

He is getting restless. He doesn’t really know what to do. And yet, there’s so much to do. He can watch over his people. But there are so many. Marko simply doesn’t know where to look.

One day, he decides to observe some children who are playing on the streets. They are having small bottles in their little hands. There’s soap in the bottles. The cap of the bottles have a wand attached to them with a spiral through which the kids blow and create bubbles.

 

Marko is quite proud of his humans. They have evolved. He wonders what it is like to create bubbles.

So he materializes a bottle on his own. This bottle, however, never drains. He can create as many bubbles as he likes without fearing the soap will be gone one time.

 

He first starts to blow gently. Five or so bubbles fly around the palace and eventually pop.

Marko also tries to swing his arm around with the wand and creates even more bubbles.

Soon he finds himself lost in a palace full of colorful bubbles. It smells good too.

Then Marko wonders if there’s more to the bubbles than that. So he watches the kids again and eavesdrops on their silly conversations.

 

‘My bubbles are named after you guys!’

‘Ha, then I’ll name my bubbles too!’

‘Timmy, look! You fly the highest!’

‘Hehe, Jenny, you’re attached to Bob. Does this mean you’re in love with him?’

‘What? No! You, silly!’, the girl than pops the bubble.

 

Marko sits back in his chair and sees how the last bubbles disappear.

‘Who even names stuff that doesn’t even last that long?’, he wonders out loud but then Marko remembers that people are just like those bubbles. They are created, they roam free in the worl and then they disappear again. And if they behaved well during their life on earth, they’d earn a place in Heaven.

Maybe he could do something fun _and_ interesting.

 

Marko takes the bottle of soap in his hands again. He mumbles something in an ancient language and makes a few wild gestures.

He is God, so this should work.

Then Marko opens the bottle, takes the wand in his hands and blows a new bubble. A very large bubble.

 ‘Show me this life’, he whispers to the bubble as if it’s a glass ball of a clairvoyant.


	2. Say you'll stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay ~ Two Steps From Hell

Marko stares deeply into the bubble which now starts to create a small little world in it.

First he witnesses the making of a clear blue sky until soft looking clouds fill the blue space. Then green gets added and soon Marko sees the Earth. The bubble now zooms in on a little cottage.

 

In the cottage he finds a man and a woman. The woman is pregnant and rests in her bed. She groans and pants heavily. The husband encourages her as he keeps one hand in hers. The midwife holds the woman’s other hand.

‘Come on, my love, you can do it’, the husband keeps encouraging.

After a long time, the baby finally is born. He looks healthy. The mother keeps her new born son close to her and cradles him with all her love.

 ‘How should we call him?’

‘I was thinking about Jani.

 ‘Oh, that’s a lovely name.’

 

Marko watches Jani grow up. He is a cheerful kid with a good will and heart.

He witnesses the first steps of the little boy. It’s funny and endearing how the little thing just wobbles over to his parents who are cheering him on and clapping. Jani giggles and before he falls over, his parents pick him up to spin him above their heads.

 

He watches Jani’s years in elementary school. It feels good to see the boy grow and learn. To see him make friends, but also “enemies”. After all, life is a path of constant learning and growing. Physical to some point, mentally always.

Jani is a quick learner. He knows how to stand against bullies. He knows how to protect the weak.

The youngster is a good soul, Marko deducts.

 

He wonders why that is. Is it because he created Jani and his parents? Or did they create themselves when Marko manifested a bubble of life? Either way, Marko thinks watching life through a bubble is an interesting perspective to have.

 

Normally, Marko didn’t interrupt in someone’s life. But this time he did. Because, somehow, he got really attached to this little fellow. He didn’t want the happy kid to leave the earth already.

 So he jumps into the world of the living.

He knows he will suffer some memory loss when he ends up on earth, but that doesn’t matter. He knows the most important things will stay with him when he enters the human world.

 

**

 

‘Get out of there!’, Marko shouts and gives Jani who has become a young adult, a firm push so the nearing truck doesn’t hit him.

Marko himself is able to jump away just in time as well. The vehicle rages by, chauffeur honking aggressively on the klaxon.

 ‘Whoah! What just happened? What just happened?’, Jani crawled back up, getting some dust and dirt off of him.

 ‘You were being incautious. Almost got run over by that truck!’, Marko explains while approaching the young man.

Marko takes a deep breath when he finally sees Jani this near. Up close, the young man looks even more gorgeous.

 ‘T- thanks, I guess’, Jani mutters, scratching the back of his head. ‘Uhm, so who are you anyway? I must’ve been really off guard to not notice you.’

 ‘Don’t worry about that. I’m… Marko. Nice to meet you’, he then shakes the other man’s hand.

‘Jani. Jani Snellman’, the young adult replies with an awkward smile.

 

Marko walks with Jani.

‘Say, Marko, don’t you have a surname or something?, Jani wants to know. ‘Or maybe I’m just too curious’, he adds jokingly.

The other man shrugs his shoulders. ‘I don’t remember. I-, I’ve been an… orphan’, Marko explains, still surprised he found an answer that quick.

But honestly, he doesn’t remember who he _really_ is. Where does he come from? Did he suffer from memory loss or something?

 ‘Oh, sad to hear that. Anyway, you’re new in town I suppose? Never seen you here’, Jani asks further.

Marko nods. ‘Yep, just moved into the city. It’s quite a tumultuous life here.’

Jani laughs and replies: ‘It sure is! I used to live in a small village. Very rural, very quiet. But I got used to the city life after a while, though. I like it here. The energy, everything is just so exciting.’

 

After some more walking, they arrive at one of the tallest flats. Jani doesn’t question it when Marko follows him upstairs.

 ‘You’re a strange man, Marko. But I like you already’, the young man comments when they stand in front of his door.

 ‘I guess I go now’, Marko mumbles, aware of how awkward this really is. Why did he follow this man? Why does he feel attracted to him? What kind of attraction is this? Simple curiosity?

 ‘No, no! You can stay at my place. It’s all I can do after you saved me right?’, Jani insists and so Marko follows the man into the apartment.

The place isn’t that large. But it looks cozy. When Jani is getting them some drinks in his kitchen, the other man sits down in one of the chairs and looks at the table. Some paperwork. Upon closer inspection, he sees the papers are actually blueprints.

 ‘So he became an architect’, Marko mutters out loud. Then he quickly stops with thinking out loud. Why did he say that like Jani was some old friend he hadn’t seen in ages? It makes Marko confused.

He still wonders why he feels familiar with Snellman. He only met him a few minutes ago, right?

 

‘Here, have a drink’, Snellman returns with two beer cans and offers one to Marko.

‘So, Marko, I haven’t properly thanked you for saving my life’, Jani smiles. He then proceeds to shake Marko’s hand and give him a pat on the back.  Marko opens the can and takes a sip.

 ‘It’s okay. I did what I had to do. It almost feels like destiny’, Jani’s rescuer mumbles.

 

After he has emptied his can, he goes to the front door.

‘Thanks for the beer, Jani. It was nice meeting you’, Marko smiles as he waves his goodbye. Jani accompanies him to the hallway and gives him a smile back.

 ‘Hope we’ll see each other again, someday’, Jani says with a nod.

When Marko just stands there, Jani asks worried: ‘Eh, what are you doing? Where do you live anyway?’

 ‘I, eh… Not so far from here’, Marko answers. In reality, he doesn’t know where he lives. Does he have a place to stay for the night? He could still ask Snellman to let him stay for the night but that would be pathetic. Instead he gives the other man a reassuring smile and heads of to the staircase.

 ‘Goodnight and stay safe!’, Jani yells.

‘You too, Jani!’, Marko shouts back before he walks downstairs.

The wind greets him once he’s outside the building. With no idea where he is going, he lets his subconscious lead the way.

It makes him end up at another apartment block. When Marko reaches for his pockets, he finds a key. The object wasn’t there earlier today, was it?

Marko enters the building doubtful and wonders how the rest of his day looked like. The only thing he remembers, is him saving that guy from that truck.

 

In his sleep, he dreams about heaven. He sits on a throne, looking down on the people of the earth. How funny.

While he sleeps, false memories sneak into his mind. Molding a whole story and life for Marko.

When he awakens, he is a changed man.

 

Marko goes shopping the next day and in the supermarket he bumps into Jani.

 ‘Marko!’, the other guy exclaims.

‘Jani! What a coincidence!’, Marko laughs. ‘I finally remember who I am again. Hehe, how silly. Yesterday as just not my day!’

‘Oh, that’s good to hear! So, who are you then?’, Jani grins while putting some pasta in his shopping cart.

 ‘I’m Marko Saaresto. Designer and part time singer. Wished I were more famous, but now I keep the singing thing as a part time job.’

 ‘Interesting. Glad you have your memories back. You know what’s funny? I’m a musician too! Also part time. I work as an architect for the company with that shiny logo. You must’ve seen it when you arrived here’, Jani tells the other man.

 ‘Ah, that company! You sing too?’, the singer wants to know.

‘Nah, I play the bass in a small band. We perform in some clubs here, you should pay us a visit one day!’

The two men end their shopping together. ‘Can you carry all of that by yourself?’, Jani looks concerned.

 ‘I’m fine. I live nearby. Two blocks from here to be exact!’

 

**

 

Marko becomes good friends with Jani. One day, the guy and the band he talks about, performs at one of the many night clubs the city has to offer. And Marko decides to pay his friend a visit.

There are already many people in front of the podium but Marko manages to stand at a place which makes him able to still see a big part of the stage. Finally the band comes up and Marko cheers when he sees Jani appear onstage.

He raises his bass guitar and even winks at Marko. It makes the singer’s face flush and his ears redden for some reason.

The music they produce is enjoyable but Marko only pays attention to the bassist. It’s like the rest, the other bandmembers, the crowd doesn’t exist. Everything around Jani just blurs out into blackness.

There is only the stage, Jani and Marko.

From that moment, Marko knows he has truly fallen in love with the other man.

 

The last song ends with a big applause and lots of cheering.

 Marko waits until Jani leaves the backstage. When they meet again, the bassist has his bass guitar carefully packed in its case.

 ‘You seemed to like it, huh?’, Jani grins and Marko nods eagerly. They leave the club and suddenly Jani throws one arm over the singer’s shoulder.

 ‘Shall we drink something before we go our own way again?’, he suggests and the other man agrees.

 

The drinking hasn’t been a good idea. Marko is drunk after three glasses already and Jani decides to take Marko home to his apartment. He thanks God for taking his car with him.

With some effort he manages to put Marko in the backseats of the car and then he drives off.

In his apartment he gets rid of the singer’s shoes and then places him in his bed.

Just when Jani rearranges the pillow underneath Marko’s, head, the other man opens his eyes and locks them with the bassist’s. Then a quick hand gets in Jani’s neck and pushes him closer to Marko.

Their lips make contact for a brief second before Marko falls back on the pillow again. Clearly drunk.

 ‘Marko, I’m afraid you’re drunk’

‘Wha- Noo, I isn’t dru- drank’, the other man hiccups.  ‘I wuf you’, he blabbers and tries to kiss the bassist again.

 ‘Marko, you should sleep. Tomorrow you probably get a headache but that will go away… eventually’, Jani snorts as he backs off.

 

The morning after Marko does indeed wake up with a hangover. He isn’t used to drinking. He is still dizzy and wonders what had happened after the beer. As soon as Marko is completely sober again, he faces the truth.

It leaves him partly mortified. Not only did he confess his love for the other man while drunk, but he also kissed him.

 ‘Marko… did you really mean the things you’ve said to me yesterday? How you feel about me?’, Jani dares to ask. He is standing in the door opening of the room, fumbling with his fingers.

He doesn’t know where to look and neither does Marko.

 ‘I, eh, well… Yes? I mean yes! When I saw you perform there, it was like the others didn’t exist anymore. There was no crowd, no band. Only you’, the singer confesses with reddened cheeks.

 ‘That’s when I knew I had truly fallen in love with you. I- if you can call it that’, he stammers.

There’s a painful silence between the two friends. They have been friends for five months now. Marko is afraid he might’ve ruined their relationship. He swears his heart is trying to escape from his chest.

 Finally the bassist is able to move and sits next to Marko on the bed.

‘I, I don’t know what to say, honestly. Marko. You, I… we’re good friends, right? And I’m very glad we met that day. You saved me and then we became friends. H- have- was it really just now that you realized you were in love with me?’, Jani has some difficult finding the right words.

 ‘I think. But I’ve always felt this strange attraction to you. Don’t take this the weird way! I mean, it’s just… from the day we met, I felt like I’ve seen you already. That I knew you. Really, it sounds a bit creepy, huh?’

 Jani nods and laughs nervously: ‘Yeah, it kind of is creepy.’

‘Sorry about that. But I’ve always felt this affection toward you. Guess only now I can say it was love. I, Jani, I hope we can still be friends?’

 Marko hardly wants to hear the answer.

‘Sure. We can stay friends. It’s just a bit confusing. I’ve never been told such things. And, and… I just need to process this. I’m sorry. I’m not good with dealing with this stuff’, Jani apologizes.

There’s that silence again. The two musicians don’t look each other in the eyes.

 ‘Ah, it’s noon already. How about we get something to eat?’, Jani breaks the silence again. He stands up and helps the other man get up too.

Marko is still a bit wobbly from the alcohol.

 ‘Ehm, Marko, just know that I don’t know if I can return your feelings but I’m very sure I still want to be friends with you.’

 ‘Oh, okay. Glad to hear, Jani!’

 

**

 

Unlike Marko expected, Jani grows closer to his friend. The first week after Marko’s confession, they had distanced themselves a little bit. Maybe to give each other some space and time to think and reflect on their relationship.

But after that week, things between them went smoothly again.

They talk as much as before the confession, if not even more now. And Marko notices the subtle touches between them.

They hug each other just a little bit longer than usual. Sometimes they hold hands. Their fingers brush over each other when they pass each other stuff during their lunch together.

Jani and Marko’s shoulders touch when they sit next to each other. Marko likes to rest his head on the bassist’s shoulder and Jani simply lets him.

 

One night, Marko goes to Jani’s apartment building. When he knocks on the man’s door, there is no response. Apparently he isn’t on his phone either.

Then the singer decides to look at the roof of the flat. On rare occasions when Jani doesn’t feel well, the man is to be found there. Marko hopes he finds his dear friend there.

And as suspected, Jani is sitting cross-legged on the roof. It’s chilly outside but the man wears a hoodie and one of his many scarves. When Marko approaches, he sees it’s the scarf he made for Jani.

 

‘Marko?’, Jani looks startled when he feels the other man’s sudden presence.

‘Hey, Jani. I was looking for you. I was wondering if-’, Marko begins but Jani cuts him off.

 ‘Why don’t you sit next to me? I want to tell you something’, he says.

‘Oh’, with a thud Marko sits next to his friend. Jani looks in the distance. His eyes look a bit glassy as if he isn’t really present.

 After some silence, Marko dares to ask: ‘What is it, Jani? D- did I do or say something wrong?’

But Jani shakes his head and lets out a nervous laugh.

 ‘No, no! Far from it, Marko. Far from it! It’s just… how do I begin?’, Jani sighs. He plays with his scarf, still avoiding eye contact. ‘I’ve been thinking about you, lately. I’ve been thinking about myself and about _us_. Reflecting on our relationship. And I’ve come to a conclusion.’

Jani takes a deep breath before finally facing Marko, giving him an intense look. Marko gulps.

 ‘I enjoy spending most of my time with you. Heck, sometimes it looks like we live together. And I really appreciate our time together. But the last few days are confusing to me. I, it’s like I want to be closer to you. And the last few days I’ve got the odd urge to kiss you. You’re a very sweet man, Marko. What I’m trying to say is… is that I’ve fallen in love with you’, Jani’s voice is shaky.

 He is blushing and Marko feels his cheeks redden too.

They awkwardly sit next to each other. Jani anxiously awaits Marko’s answer, even though it was Marko who first confessed his love.

Finally Marko shows Jani his brightest smile. And Jani smiles back.

 

_I like the way your eyes look into mine_

_I like how it feels when you smile_

_I like the way you watch me when I walk away_

 

Marko can hardly believe this is happening to him. Jani Snellman loves him back. He was already happy enough when the bassist still wanted to be his friend even though he didn’t return Marko’s feelings then. But now Jani is looking at him with his lovely eyes in such an endearing way.

They aren’t glassy anymore. They’re totally fixed on Marko, observing him. And Marko stares back at his friend. He admires the man’s features.

Marko loves the smile Jani gives him now. It’s different from the other blissful times Jani has smiled at him. This time it’s the smile of a lover. A very naked and honest smile. It’s the smile of happiness because Marko tells him that he is still in love with Jani.

That single smile takes away the cold around them and it also warms Marko’s heart.

 The singer takes hold of Jani’s hand now.

Yet he doesn’t dare to kiss Jani. Not yet. They should get inside. So Marko crawls back up and wants to walk away. ‘I’m going inside. Otherwise we might catch a cold’, he explains.

Marko still feels the bassist’s eyes on him and it feels good.

 

_Say you'll stay_

‘Marko! Wait. Don’t go yet. Please, stay with me here for a little longer’, Jani shouts. Marko stops in his tracks and walks back.

 ‘I still have some beer left’, Jani grins.

Marko spots the two bottles that have been accompanying Jani the whole time. Marko feels stupid for only noticing it now. The two men drink together and talk a bit about casual things.

Just like always, they sit shoulder to shoulder, watching over the city.

 

_I like to feel your breath on my face_

_I like to swim around in your good grace_

_I like how your lips taste_

 

_Say you'll stay_

 

After they have drank, Jani suddenly clutches onto the singer. The man brings his face closer to Marko’s and his breath feels warm against Marko’s cheeks. He likes it to have Jani this close to him.

It’s all he ever hoped for but he never thought this day would come.

 And finally, Jani dares to kiss Marko on the mouth. Not just a friendly smooch on the cheek, no. It’s a kiss fully on his lips.

Marko is surprised by the softness of the man’s lips. While the rest of him looks quite sharp and the man’s stubbles even tickle, his lips are different. Feather soft and almost perfect.

_Say you will stay_

_Say you will stay_

‘Hehe, I shouldn’t have walked away, huh?’, Marko grins when they part. Jani nods back.

They hug each other again and Marko murmurs: ‘For you, I’ll stay forever.’

 

_I like how I don't expect anything from you_

_You surprise me daily through and through_

_I like how you listen to what I say_

 

After the confession, life goes on just like it did before. It’s just that the two men are more together now. They walk hand in hand across the streets. They don’t care when people look at them behind their backs. Even some people’s ugly comments doesn’t affect their way of living.

They keep their fingers entwined and they love to exchange sweet kisses every now and then. They kiss in plain sight or behind closed doors.

 

_Say you'll stay_

_Say you'll stay_

Marko often visits Jani when he is performing in a club with his little band. One day, Jani makes an announcement after the gig ends.

Marko has promised to stay by Jani’s side.

Jani has promised to stay by Marko’s side.

They’re sitting in an old fashioned carriage. Both of them wear fancy suits.

 ‘These rings are truly beautiful’, Marko holds out his right hand with the ring on it.

Jani smiles as his head touches his partner’s. He stretches his left arm and lets his fingers entwine with Marko’s.

 ‘Yeah. But they cannot reflect the beauty I see in your eyes and soul, Marko’, Jani hums.

_Say_

_You will stay_

 

The years go by in a blink of an eye. Before he knows it, Marko and his lover find themselves in a retirement home.

Of course they share a room and together they sit in front of the window, watching the seasons change and change.

 

_Say_

_You will stay_

 

Marko doesn’t know how to react when his friend and partner gets hospitalized.

Yes, both men have gotten older and Marko feels himself getting rustier than usual too. But he never really thought about the fact of Jani dying. He never dared to think about it until now.

He doesn’t want to lose Jani already. He can’t accept it and he won’t be able to handle it when time comes. And it will come.

 

‘Jani, you know I love you’, Marko keeps holding his lover’s hand in his own, squeezing it tightly. He is afraid of letting go. He doesn’t want to let go.

‘I know, Marko. I know. I love you too’, Jani whispers. His hand trembles and his voice is weak and hoarse. He has trouble speaking.

 The singer stands next to Jani’s bed and places his head on his lover’s chest now.

‘Please, Jani. Stay a little longer.’

‘I’m afraid I can’t, Marko. Even though I’d like to spend some more time with you, my love’, Jani manages to breathe. ‘Gh, M- Marko, you’re heavy.’

 ‘I’m sorry’, Marko quickly removes his head from Jani’s chest. The two men watch each other as tears start to roll down their faces.

 

_I like the way your lips taste_

Suddenly Marko gets a random image in his head. It’s a bubble. A beautiful, colorful bubble flying around in a large, white room.

Marko admires the little thing. It looks so innocent and fragile.

  Fragile.

Sometimes Marko forgets about the fragility of a bubble. Just like he forgot about the frailty of someone’s life.

Marko now also thinks about Jani and the way the man always kissed him. His lips, always so gentle and soft. So fragile. Just like his life.

Marko lays in his bed, alone with his eyes closed. That way, he doesn’t have to see he is alone.

 

**

 

Marko wakes up by the sound of something popping. When he opens his eyes, he sees the remains of the bubble he had blown earlier.

He blankly stares at the droplets of soap in front of his feet. He kneels down and looks at it. In one little puddle, he sees the body of a man laying in a bed. Then Marko realizes what he is seeing, is his own body.

It is the body he materialized himself in when he came down to the earth. Why did he go to the earth?

Then Marko remembers everything. He remembers Jani and the time they spent together.

Suddenly a bell rings. Marko looks up. Looks like someone special is there.

 

He walks through the marble halls until he stands by one of the special gates.

A man stands patiently waiting there. A smile appears on Marko’s mouth when he walks closer.

 ‘You must be Jani Snellman’, Marko greets the stranger.

The other man frowns and says: ‘And you must be God?’

 ‘Yes. But you can call me Marko.’

‘That’s funny. I used to know someone with the same name.’

 ‘The fact that you’re here, means your life must’ve been virtuous enough to end up in Heaven’, Marko declares.

‘This is… heaven?’, Jani looks confused.

 ‘Yes, it is. You can spent your eternity here. Mind if I walk with you?’

While walking, Marko offers Jani a bottle of soap.

 ‘This is a bubble blower?’, the man asks.

Marko nods with a warm smile. ‘Yes, let’s create bubbles together, Jani.’

 ‘Hehe, God, I mean Marko, you’re a funny being. It’s almost like we already met somehow.’

‘Who knows, Jani. Who knows. Life is full of miracles. Even the afterlife!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is longer than i expected it to be xD


	3. Stay and promise you will hear my call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay by Ryo Ishido

Marko goes back to his throne and decides to blow another bubble of life. The new bubble he creates isn’t as colorful as Jani’s bubble. No, this one seems colorless.

When Marko moves his hands around the fragile thing, the bubble expands until it’s as big as a space hopper.

 

He is surprised to see the life of a soldier in it. Unlike the previous bubble he created, Marko doesn’t see the soldier grow up. No, he just happens to experience the soldier’s tragic end or so it seems. Marko wonders if the poor man he sees shouldn’t stay a little bit longer on earth.

_Stay, Stay_

_Stumbling down the street_

_I feel I'm getting colder_

 

My heart is beating painfully loud. I’m surprised my heart hasn’t exploded yet. Explosions.

They’re all around me just like the flying bullets. It’s been three months already and I’m still not used to the smell of blood, sweat, burning and decaying flesh and gunpowder. I’m still not used to seeing countless bodies, shot or blown or stabbed to death.

 And I still can’t get over the fact I’ve killed some people as well.

I’m sure my ears are bleeding when a nearby mine goes off. I roll away from it. I feel some fragments brush my cheek though.

I crawl through the mud with lots of effort. It’s like I’m swimming in drift-sand. The dirt is like a mask covering my face. I see my hands in front of me. They dig through the soil. They also tremble uncontrollably. It’s cold and it’s raining.

The rain stings me like little needles. It’s an endless torture. My back hurts and I can’t feel my fingers or feet anymore.

I wonder what keeps me going. Maybe it’s the shouting from one of my superiors. Maybe it’s the “encouragement” I get from my fellow soldiers. Maybe it’s just my instinct of staying alive even though I wonder if it’s still worth it to live like this. Constant fighting. Useless fighting that is.

 

My body drags itself closer towards the enemy but I wonder who the enemy really is.

Is the enemy just as scared as me or am I just a coward? Maybe the enemy is merciless and rude and aggressive, like they always tell me. Does the enemy have a family or a lover they care for? Do they have dreams, hopes and fears like I do?

I cough up some blood and fall with my face right in the mud. Then I hear someone yell at me. With a hazy look I face another soldier.

 ‘Come on, Tukiainen! This is not the moment to sleep, you idiot!’

The voice is too harsh, that face too angry. I simply nod as I crouch forward. The heavy backpack keeps sliding off my back. I wish I could just lie here and cry all day. Instead my body keeps moving like a controlled puppet. I guess I’m just crawling to my end. Maybe that’s for the best. And yet, I’m afraid to die.

 

I don’t remember when or where it happened, but I lost my backpack with all my ammo and supplies. At the moment I’m only armed with one small gun in my back pocket and a shotgun swung over my shoulder.

If I’m correctly, there’s a hunting knife carefully hidden in one of my boots,.

 ‘Get the fuck up!’, another soldier pulls me back on both feet and I feel like puking which I eventually do.

Desperate I look at the hellish sky. I never thought a sky could have so many dark colors at the same time. I feel wobbly and nauseous. Suddenly I spot something in the air.

A white bird! Could it be a dove? My left hand rises up as if I’m trying to catch the bird. Of course, the little thing is too far away and doesn’t even notice me.

 I wonder what an innocent animal is doing on a battlefield like this.

‘Tukiainen! I need some assistance please!’, one of my fellow mates (as they call themselves) is shouting at me again.

I look to my right and see one of the enemies fighting one of our men. Both have dropped their guns and are swinging their knives at each other. The soldier on my team looks at me desperately. But I cannot move: I lost my ability to move at all. I just stand there, witnessing the death of a fellow soldier.   

  Nothing new for me and still it horrifies me.

He got stabbed in the neck. The man falls blabbering to the dirt. I’m sure he swears at me.

The enemy now confronts me. In a reflex I take out my handgun. With shaking hands I point the gun at my enemy.

When we make eye contact, I freeze again. I expected two hungry, murderous eyes but what I got were two frightened eyes. They must’ve looked like mine.  Mostly fear than anything else. Maybe regret too.

 ‘I, I don’t w- want to do this’, I stammer.

The other soldier drops his knife, begging for his life.

Then someone bumps into me and in the process I pull the trigger. I scream as I kneel down by the fallen enemy. I shot him in the chest. He holds onto the bullet wound. His hand is totally covered in thick blood and it makes me puke.

‘Oh god, oh god. I killed someone’, I absently exclaim in shock. Then I feel a strong hand around my shoulder. I’m sure it’s another enemy but when I look up, I see a comrade. He smiles.

 ‘Well done, Tukiainen. _But_ he is still breathing’, it’s one of my superiors. From what I deduct from his badges, he’s a sergeant.

My heart skips a beat when said sergeant puts three new bullet holes in the enemy’s body.

 ‘Y- you killed him’, my voice is shaking, just like the rest of my cold body.

‘It’s what we’re supposed to do. Never show mercy towards your enemy or it might cost you your life as well!’

While the man keeps giving me a speech about pride, honor and the duty of a soldier I look up to the sky once more. Searching for the bird. The white dove is still gliding through the sky.

I clench my fists and before I know it, one of my fists makes direct contact with my sergeant’s face.

It takes the guy by surprise and he actually falls down.

My body moves by itself when I jump him. The rage that has been boiling in my stomach, is coming up and I hit my superior several times in the face.

_That’s for scolding me! That’s for torturing me during my training! That’s for the countless times you’ve beat me! That’s for killing my father! That’s for all the pain you’ve given me!_

 ‘How dare you talk about honor and pride when you just kill people?!’, I yell at him, spitting blood in his face.

 ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? That’s our life as soldiers! We’re just the pawns of a bigger force, nothing you nor I can do about it! We can only accept and take pride in protecting our country. We better enjoy it than keep crying like a baby like you!’, the sergeant blatantly bawls.’ He pushes me off and straightens his back.

 ‘Now keep moving, you idiot. Besides you and I are just the same. There’s blood on your hands as well, Tukiainen!’

His last words hit me in the face like a bullet. The man is right. But unlike him, I have trouble with taking lives. I hesitate, he does not. He seems to enjoy the killing, he is even proud of it. But I am not.

While he starts to walk away, I run after him. I attack him by jumping on him.

 ‘You know nothing about me! We are not the same!’

I beat him and beat him until I press my gun against his temple. There is no fear in his eyes, only hatred.

 ‘Fuck off. What do you think you’re doing? Trying to kill your superiors, huh? You’re nothing but a coward!’, he hisses through his broken teeth.

 ‘C’mon, you don’t even dare to pull the trigger!’, he growls, spitting at me.

I retreat my gun. ‘Shut up. I’m not like that’, I retort.

 ‘You’re a fucking coward! No one needs a weakling like you! Even your own mother was better off without you! But then again she was just a slu-’

 With the sound of a bullet crushing flesh, I shut him up.

I fall back and look at what I’ve done. I killed one of my own men. How many people witnessed it?

Without thinking, I flee. People are calling my name but I do not listen. I only try to escape the battle field. Meanwhile I see the white bird in the sky. Is it following me?

 

_Her Voice, So bittersweet_

_Is calling, getting closer_

_Desperation drags me down_

_Like a lead weight on my shoulder_

I struggle and stumble to get across the field. The rain hasn’t stopped and it only got worse.

The only advantage it gives me, is that I’m more invisible to enemy and ally alike.

I wonder if someone even pays attention to me. It’s not like anyone misses me.

Soon I’m out of breath. A lost bullet hits me in my lower leg, causing me to trip. I scream in agony as the damp mud clutches onto my clothes. No, it gets absorbed by my clothes. I’m sure the dirt and blood also seeps into my skin. I cry as I lay with my head down in the sludge.

 The sting in my leg only increases with the minute. It’s the only physical pain I feel. For the rest, I feel hollow.

But I have to keep going. In the distance I see some woods. That’s my destination, I think.

As long as I have something like a goal, I might be able to go on.

I keep crawling and falling and crawling up again.

 

On my way to the forest, I feel like I’m hearing someone whisper in my ear. The voice is soft and way too sweet and innocent for the hell where I reside in.

Although the voice is talking to be, I can’t comprehend the words. All I know, is that’s kind of soothing.

 

_My world is spinning round_

_Am I one more fallen soldier?_

I’m getting closer and closer to the woods but my heart is beating at an inhumane pace right now. I can hardly keep up with it. My ears hear whizzes that are simply too loud.

My watery and tired eyes look up at the sky and I’m surprised to see that gracious bird. How has it not been hit by a grenade or something, I wonder.

Just when I reach the threshold of where the forest begins, I collapse completely.

But there’s that voice again.

_But she says..._

_Stay and say, that you won't go away_

_At all, Stay don't turn away_

_And promise you will hear my call_

‘Are you giving up already?’

‘Of course I am. Look around. Countless, nameless bodies. They keep piling up. Horribly mutilated bodies. Burnt bodies. The stench is sickening.  And look at me. I’m a monster. I’ve _become_ a monster! I killed too many already. How can I live another day with that in mind? That I murdered innocent people. I’m afraid I don’t believe in you. Just why would you allow such things, huh? God is dead. Just like me.’

_Blood is running do I bleed?_

_Those tiny wounds hurt so bad_

_I feel her evil seed_

_It's going to make me go mad_

Suddenly I’m laying on a much softer ground. I can even spot some sunlight through all the green.

The green?

Am I laying in the forest? How did I get here? Where are the soldiers, where is the violence?

My neck aches when I turn my head. I’m surrounded with blood. My own blood.

The soil is wet because of it. I dare to take a look at my arms. They’re covered with tiny cuts or bigger ones. Shards cover my left arm completely. It stings and bites.

I lift myself up on my weak elbows and I’m going pale when I see my leg. I can hardly distinguish the red soil from my left leg.

There’s a growl forming in my throat that needs to get out. So when I open my mouth, a horrible, raw and desperate scream escapes. Endless tears run down my dirty cheeks.

_Down on my knees and filled with dread_

_The game is over and defiled_

If there has been any hope for me, it gets crushed when I see that dove fall out of the sky. A red stain on its otherwise white feathers.

The bird falls and falls. I manage to crouch towards its direction, I hold out my hands and catch it before it hits the ground. When I inspect the little bird, it’s heart stopped beating already.

My head hits the ground with a painful thud but I cannot feel it anymore. I look up at the sky. The rain has stopped and I can see a clear blue sky with a bright sun in it.

_And on the treshold's other side_

_The queen of darkness sadly smiled_

_And she says..._

_Stay_

_And promise you will hear my call_

_Stay, Stay_

 

It’s pure darkness where the fallen soldier’s consciousness “wakes up”.

 ‘Where am I?’

‘We’re back in the beginning, Olli’, a mysterious voice answers.

‘Who is Olli?’

‘That would be you. You’re Olli.’

‘Oh, now I remember. I’m Tukiainen. The soldier boy.’

‘Yes, but you were, no, you _are_ more than just a soldier with only a surname and a number.’

‘I’m a monster. I killed those people with my own hands. I was a coward for following orders. I was a coward then and even now I can’t look the truth in the eyes’, Olli sounds angered and on the brink of crying. Can he even cry if he has no body, no face?

‘You shouldn’t be so harsh on yourself’, the voice says in reply.

‘Just who are you? Are you god?’

 ‘Well, I wouldn’t call myself god or a god for that matter. Especially since you don’t believe in it.’

‘Oh, that’s right. I’m sorry’, Olli mutters.

‘No, _I_ should be sorry. Anyway, you can call me an acquaintance or something like that.’

‘Okay, then. Why are you here. Why am I here? Am I dead?’

‘Not completely. Maybe a bit in-between the world of the living and the dead. I wish you could stay longer on earth, though. That’s why we are here.’

 ‘Are you bargaining for my life with me and yourself?’, Olli asks in disbelief.

‘Kind of. What do you think about it?’, the mysterious voice wants to know.

 ‘I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve suffered enough. Even though I still had some hope of escaping death, death proved me wrong. And I don’t know if I could live with the things I’ve done and seen. Can you even understand that?’, Olli answers honestly.

 ‘Perhaps. Then I guess I’ll grant you your wish. Even though it pains me. I sincerely wished you would’ve had a better life, Olli.’

 

_I don't want to be the one who's crying_

 

Marko doesn’t like his job as Death. Even if the person wishes to die, it’s a lot of trouble for Marko. Emotionally. He doesn’t like it to take lives.

  But Olli has a point. If he were to live on, he’d be scarred for life. Literally but mostly mentally.

Marko then manifests himself back into the world of the living. The body of the bird dissolves into nothingness and Marko himself takes on the form of a man in civilian’s clothes. He kneels down by the fallen soldier.

The agony on the dying  man’s face, pierces through Marko’s chest like the shards that’ve found their way into the poor man’s body.

He tries his best not to cry. There is nothing to cry about for him. Or maybe there is and that’s the fact that he didn’t do anything about it in the beginning.

The guilt that is the human world, weighs on Marko’s shoulders. But maybe for once, he can do something good. Just for once.

 

_And I don't want to be the one who's dying_

_So take me in your arms!_

_Just take me in your arms and..._

When Marko embraces and supports the heavy body of the blond soldier, the man opens his eyes for the last time. He looks sorrowful and sad.

‘I-, I’m afraid’, he gasps as he yearns for air to fill his lungs. ‘I, I don’t know if I still w- want to die’, Olli blabbers. Marko knows the guy is just rambling. With his last strength, Olli clutches onto Marko’s warm hands. He doesn’t let go of the man.

Tears roll over his dried up ones.

 ‘Don’t be afraid, my dear Olli. After this, it’s over. You won’t feel pain, nor regret anymore. You’ll be born anew or so to speak.’

 ‘P- please, s- stay wi- with me’, the blond man stutters as he holds onto Marko.

Marko is glad that this is Olli’s last human interaction before he closes his eyes. It’s not getting shot, it’s not killing someone and then getting killed. No, it’s a human embrace. A warm and strong embrace.

 ‘I will. I’ll stay with you’, Marko whispers and then presses a soft kiss on the man’s bloodied cheek.

_Stay, Stay, Stay_

_Stay, Stay_

Once again, the bubble pops and disappears. Marko awakens on the marble floor. The droplets of the soap on his face wake him up.

He crawls up and feels a sudden pain in his left arm. He grunts and then hears a bell ring.

It’s time. He walks to the gates and sees the blond man standing there.

He wears normal but torn clothes. His cheek is still filthy. Marko approaches him and lets his thumb brush away the dirt on the young man’s face. The man flinches at the sudden contact.

 ‘Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you. Please, welcome. I’m glad to see you here. How are you feeling?’, he says.

‘Good, I think. My head still feels heavy, though. I feel like I don’t belong here’, the blond man lets his head hang.

 ‘Why’s that?’, Marko wants to know.

‘I feel like I’ve done something horrible in my past. I just don’t know what.’ Marko gulps. He didn’t think Olli would remember fragments of his life. But then again, Jani also still brought some part of his old consciousness with him.

 ‘Perhaps. But that lays in the past and you’re here for a reason. You’ve earned a place here’, Marko remarks.

‘Now I remember you with me on that field! I was a soldier and you… you were a bird. A gracious being in the sky. I thought you were unreachable, untouchable and invincible. But in the end you got shot as well!’, Olli recalls his final moments on earth, leaving Marko speechless.

 ‘Yes, I was’, Marko finally admits.

‘Just why am I here? In.. heaven?’, Olli exclaims. His expression looks frustrated. It pains Marko to see him like that. For the short period of time he saw and knew Olli, he never saw him smile. Well, not that there were reasons for the man to smile.

 ‘I don’t deserve to be here! I must’ve done horrible things as a soldier!’

‘You were different from the others, Olli. You regretted it. Besides, we made a promise, remember?’

‘A promise?’, Olli stammered confused.

 ‘Yes, I promised you to stay with you. So here I am and here you are. I’m here at your side now. Like I swore.’

He then pets the young man’s hair. It looks even more beautiful without all the mud and blood in it.

 ‘You’re forgiven. The one who should really be apologizing is me’, Marko smiles.

Olli doesn’t know how to respond to that.

 ‘Well, how about I give you some new, fresh clothes first?’

The young man finally shows something which resembles a faint smile. ‘That’d be nice’, he answers softly.

Olli walks in front of Marko. The pale but soft skin, his fluffy hair, it reminds Marko of the bubbles. They are so fragile, easily broken too. This time, Marko makes sure Olli doesn’t break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> srry for the feels if there are any xD


	4. I need you here for a new day to break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay ~ Poets of The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me way too long

Marko watches over the people in Heaven. He sees how Jani and Olli cross each other and start a friendly conversation.  With a smile he leaves them be. Sometimes a few children come to him and ask him to play with them. And so he does rope skipping with them.

He talks and chats with the elderly and then returns to the marble palace. On his way to the building, Marko is sure he hears someone scream. Or _something_. Whatever it is, the sound is unpleasant. But he decides to pay attention to it anyway. He wonders where the voice is coming from.

When he nears his throne, the noise is getting louder and clearer. Marko is surprised to see one little bubble that’s still intact. It’s sitting on the arm of his throne.

Someone is calling. Carefully Marko approaches the bubble and takes out the bubble wand. With a gentle touch, he attaches the bubble onto it. He then proceeds to blow slowly until the bubble has become big enough to see the life in it.

Marko’s face shows a worried expression. He can’t see much in the bubble and it troubles him. The pleading voice, however, is still very audible.

 ‘One more time’, Marko mutters to himself.

 

_Morning comes slow today_

_Memories push through from yesterday_

Before I open my eyes, I see a part of my life flash by in slow motion. Still shots or moving fragments. It’s all from yesterday. I don’t understand what I’ve seen. There is  a man with long brownish hair and black glasses. He seems to appear in every scenario. I wonder who that is.

With a headache, I allow my eyes to open. I’m in a small apartment. Maybe a motel. Next to me are a few empty beer bottles. Did I drink them? My hand goes confused through my hair.

After the dizziness has faded away, I leave the bed. I stumble across the room which has a small sense of familiarity to it. Still, I don’t know how I ended up here. I decide to look for the bathroom to clean myself up.

When my eyes find the mirror, I flinch. A man with long brownish hair and crooked, black and crooked glasses looks back at me. _I_ am the man from my memories. Dramatically I place my hand against my reflection.

 ‘Who are you?’, the mirror asks.

‘Who am I?’, I repeat. I scratch my beard before I wash my face. I hardly recognize my own face.

I look pale, even a little hint of green and blue is visible in my face. I’m meager. I look sick. Very sick. How can I feel so disconnected from my own body? I try to look for fresh clothes but I find nothing in my backpack. So I decide to look through the room. It’s dirty. Some old pizza boxes are spread across the room. Filthy socks fill the mattress. I gulp as soon as I spot a few needles accompanied with used condoms on my nightstand.

Am I a drug user?

The headache returns and I need to sit down for a sec. Who the fuck am I, I keep pondering. Maybe if I search more thoroughly, I find more clues about myself. Maybe I have a phone somewhere? I find the darn thing near the toilet.

One particular number has called me several times. Apparently I didn’t have the time to call that person back. Hm, more numbers of people I don’t know are on my history list. I decide to call of five of them.

 

‘Hello?’

‘Heeyy, honey! How are you doin?? Wasn’t I a little bit too rough previous night? Ha ha! Wanna have a second round?? At the moment I’m- ah! Oh, Jimmy you basterd!’

The sound of a woman is heard. She sounds like a hooker to me. I quickly turn my phone off. Next number then.

 

‘What the fuck do ya want from me now! If you don’t have the money then I’ll break ya skull, ya hear me?! Ya he-’ Again, no success.

 

‘Hello this is Pizza Delivery X, how can I help you?’

‘Oh, ehm…’, I hear my stomach growl.

 ‘Sir? Sir? Hello?’

 ‘A pizza Hawaii please. That’s… that’s everything’, I mutter.

‘And may I know your address?’, the man on the other line asks.

 ‘I’m afraid I’ve forgotten.’

‘With all due respect sir…? But I can’t help you any further if you don’t know where you are’, the person on the other side of the line starts to sound agitated.

 ‘I don’t know my name either’, I end our awkward conversation. Next.

 

‘This is brothel _Illusion_ speaking, how can we help you?’

‘Another brothel? I’m sorry, I must’ve typed the wrong number.’

 

I finally reach the last number on the list. It’s from the person who tried to reach me several times.

I inhale and exhale. Here goes nothing.

After a long silence, I want to give up but then there’s a creaking sound heard and soon the voice of a woman reaches my ear.

‘Oh god! You finally called me! I- is everything alright?’, the woman sounds worried about me.

‘Eh?’, I hesitate.

‘Jari? Are you alright? Two weeks ago you called me? I tried to reach you afterwards but you never picked up anymore!’

 Jari, so that’s my name.

‘I-, I don’t know. I’m… I don’t remember anything’, I mutter, trying to fight the tears. There’s some silence on the other side of the phone.

 ‘Jari, did someone drug you? Where are you? Do you have any reference point?’

The pizza delivery, the brothel. I don’t know if I can trust the other woman.

 ‘Can I call you back over a few minutes?’, without waiting for her answer, I hang up. I go outside my room and walk downstairs. The owner of the motel gives me a gritty look as he raises an eyebrow.

 ‘You finally got the money?’

‘I’m afraid not. But I will! Can you just please tell me where I am?’, I sound desperate and it makes the owner laugh. He points me the exit.

 ‘Outside is your answer’, he coughs. I do as he says and walk out of the motel.

Quickly I reach for my phone and call the strange woman.

 

‘Okay, Jari. Don’t worry. Just, don’t leave the building or go anywhere else, okay? I’ll be there in an hour!’, she promises me.

Slightly afraid I return to my room. The owner of the building ogles me when I go upstairs.

 

**

 

Just like she said, she arrives about an hour later. The woman has long, brown hair like me. She looks pretty. She smiles at me but I see a hint of anxiety in her otherwise twinkling eyes.

 ‘Jari you don’t look that great’, she says as she inspects the motel room.

‘I’m sorry about the mess. I, myself, am a mess I believe’, I mutter. She can barely hear me.

 ‘Just what’s going on? You’ve been like this for quite a while now. But you’re even less yourself since we last met’, the woman outs her concerns.

 ‘This will make me look stupid, but _who_ are you?’, I hardly dare to look in her eyes. There’s hurt in it.

‘I’m your sister, Jennifer ’, she says. She reaches for my cheek but hesitates. ‘It’s okay’, I mumble.

Then she carefully brushes my cheek and sighs. ‘Are you _that_ gone already?’ Jennifer quickly glances over at my nightstand.

 ‘How much did you take?’

‘People or drugs?’ I reply too quickly. This isn’t something to joke about.

‘I’m serious, Jari. I don’t know what I should do. You say you don’t remember anything?’

‘Yeah. I didn’t even remember my own name. You… you seem like a stranger to me. Fuck, I’m even a stranger to myself.’

Finally I break down in tears. What the fuck is happening? Those drugs, they must’ve done it. My sister checks the nightstand carefully.

 ‘Well, I’m not a drug expert but if you took all of it, you should’ve been dead.’

‘I know. I, I just woke up today and I felt like shit. I still do, honestly. And I have no memories whatsoever. But you’re probably right, I should’ve been dead.’

 ‘Gosh, Jari. We should get you to a doctor right now. You really look like a dying man. How are you still breathing?’

‘I don’t know’, I breathe and hold back a sob.

She presses her body close against mine.

‘Where are we exactly?’, I want to know when we sit in her car.

‘Not so far from your home. Four weeks ago you suddenly disappeared. I thought to leave you be and give you your privacy as it is your right, but I got concerned. Even more when you wanted to contact me. You left me a voice mail. It only said you were doing fine and started a new life somewhere else. It didn’t occur to me you would start to live in such wrecked motel’, she informs me. Then she adds: ‘But when I think back, you didn’t sound as happy as you said you were. You actually sounded _off_. Maybe even drunk.’

 Still, I don’t remember anything.

 

‘This is very strange. A normal person would’ve succumb to such an overdose of drugs’, the doctor inspects me. ‘I’m afraid we’ll have to hospitalize you.’

 ‘I- is he going to be alright? My brother, he is really confused’, Jennifer asks like I can’t hear her.

The doctor gives a faint smile and says: ‘Hopefully. If he has survived this, he can go on.’

‘We’ll have to check you on STD’s I’m afraid. Drugs and sex don’t go that well.’

 

I get hospitalized and when I finally get some privacy, I ponder.

Think, Jari, think. What the fuck did you do to end up like this? To end up in a filthy motel room filled to the brink with alcohol and drugs? I still don’t know who I really am. It makes me afraid.

_Where will I be tomorrow_

_What do I have to show_

 

The following day I get a visit from my family. My mother cries on my shoulder. My dad awkwardly pats me on the shoulder. Their faces are foreign to me but I try to smile at them.

 ‘We love you, Jari. I hope you realize that?’, my mother snivels.

‘Yeah’, I mutter.

 ‘Just what happened to you? Did someone hurt you? Why did you leave your old home?’, she wants to know and I feel bad for not knowing the answer to that.

 ‘I’m at memory loss, mom. I’m sorry’, I reply, stroking her back. It feels strange calling her “mom”.

‘It’s okay, honey. Your sister, she mentioned you weren’t yourself when you last called her. Just how much did you take? You don’t have to be ashamed.’

I shrug my shoulders and mutter: ‘Too much. But I’m still alive, apparently.’

‘And that’s a blessing. Please, cherish your life more, Jari. We don’t want you to leave us so soon!’, my mother now holds on tighter. She feels warm.

 ‘I-, I will, mom. It will be okay’, I don’t know what else to say. maybe it’s a false promise, but I can always try.

After some more minutes together, it’s time for the guests to leave and I’m left alone in my room.

 

**

 

“Who are you?”, someone with the same voice as me is talking to me.

“I’m Jari. Who are you? Are you my conscience?”, I ask.

“How can you be Jari if _I_ am Jari?”, the voice retorts. There’s a hint of anger in his voice. I’m even more confused than before.

 “Well, I don’t exactly know who I am. I’m simply given that name since I woke up this early morning”, I confess. I hear a cackle.

“This is really strange. Am I going crazy? Is it the drugs I pumped into my veins that make me hear voices in my head? I must’ve been unconscious for a whole day then!”

“What are you talking about?”, I stammer.

“I’m saying that you are a stranger in my head. Just where did you take us? Where did you take my body?”

“I’m in a hospital now. My, I mean, your sister brought me here. I called her”, I inform the other Jari.

“You shouldn’t have done that. I was doing perfectly fine on my own!”, the voice snorts accusingly.

“Well, I wouldn’t say taking an overdose is “doing perfectly fine”. I could’ve been dead”, I retort.

“No, I could’ve been dead and you, you wouldn’t be in my mind, interfering with my life”, the other Jari hisses.

 “Then who am I?”, I want to know.

“How should I know? Are you the actual conscience, telling me what or what not to do?”, Jari huffs.

 “Well, I’m sorry then. I didn’t mean to. I, I’ll try to leave”, I stammer back.

“Wait…! You can’t just leave me like that! What if I really die when you leave?”, the voice now sounds alerted.

 “Okay, then I’ll stay a little longer. Maybe I can give you your control of your body back?”

“Maybe.”

“C- can I ask you some things about yourself?”, I ask carefully. The original “owner of the body” agrees to answer my questions.

 “First, who are you really, Jari?”

“I used to be a drummer. I played in a small band but we broke up. There were too many fights. We fought over silly things. Ever since we broke up, life hasn’t been the same anymore. Performing onstage was my life. A few other unfortunate events made me feel very depressed… so I ended up in the motel.”

 “For how long did you live there? The boss of the motel mentioned something about money?”

“Well, I still haven’t paid my debts to him. And to answer the other question, I’ve been living in that ugly room for four weeks now.”

 “You thought you could take your life in a forgotten motel?”, I try not to judge but it looks like I do.

“Kind of. I decided to kill myself earlier but I wanted to live the last few weeks to the fullest. Or I thought I could. So I got the little money I still had, rented that room, made false promises and got hooked on some drugs.”

“You owe another guy too. He sounded very angry when I called him”, I remark.

“Ah, Joe. Nah, I don’t owe him shit. He just pretends. He and I, we were eh… buddies. Not real buddies. More for carnal cravings. Hehe, another stupid thing I’ve done. Sex. Too much. Too much drugs, too much sex and too much partying. It was unnecessary and in the end, they all left me. The activities as well. It left me empty and only sicker and lonelier than I did before”, Jari starts to cry but I can’t see him nor can I see my own body.

  “So you regret it?”, I ask.

“Pretty much yes. Fuck, I feel bad.”

‘It’s alright. You’re in the hospital now. They’ll get you back on your feet again. And your family? They visited too!’

“Ah, my dad”, Jari grunts. “I thought he hated me because I don’t only like women. He and I weren’t very good friends after I outed myself.”

 “Well, he did show up today. He looked very worried about you. Everyone did. Your sister seems to want the best for you”, I tell the man.

 “Yes, Jennifer, she is a good girl. Although she is younger than me, she behaves more like an adult than me”, Jari sighs.

“When I wake up, will you be still here?”, the man asks me. I’m afraid I can’t be sure. I play it honest.

“I don’t really know. I’ll try, of course. And if not, my best wishes to your future.”

“Thank you, I guess. But I feel like you’re my conscience so I’d like you to stay a little longer.”

 

_From my life_

_Stay_

_I need you here for a new day to break_

The next morning a nurse greets me with some food.

‘Good morning, mister Salminen. How are you feeling today? Seems like you had a rough night.’

I give the woman a smile and reply: ‘I’ve been better, but I actually had a good sleep. What about you?’

 ‘I’m doing fine. It’s time for your breakfast. Yogurt with some fresh fruit.’ I feel slightly dizzy from the dream I had. But I’ve regained all my memories.

The food gives me new strength and the nurse silently stands at my side while I eat the yogurt and drink some water. ‘It felt like I had a conversation with myself the other night’, I mumble.

 ‘Oh, really?’, she asks me and I nod.

‘Yeah. I think I’ll give it another try… my life, I mean’, I explain.

‘That’s great to hear! Life sure is worth fighting for. Especially if you have loved ones’, she comments. I see her holding onto a necklace. I suspect it’s from her loved one. She notices and shows me a picture of a dark haired man inside the medallion.

 ‘Your husband?’, I ask her. ‘Yes, Jaska, he is a very good husband. What about you, mister Salminen? Do you have a partner or am I asking too much?’

 ‘It’s okay. But no, I have no one. But I love my sister dearly. She’s my best friend. Even after all this time, she is still concerned about her foolish older brother’, the last sentence comes out with an awkward chuckle.

 ‘Well, family is important too. Anyway, the doctor will come over a few minutes to check on you. I’m glad to see you’re doing well. You seem less… confused. I’ll be off now. If something’s wrong, give us a call by using that button’, the nurse ends our conversation.

 ‘Thank you’, I say.

 

‘Where are you?’, I ask the voice in my head out loud.

‘You’re back to your senses, I see! I’m right here. Don’t you worry about me’, I feel kind of relieved to hear my conscience talking back to me.

I lay back in my pillow, look at the ceiling and think.

“You can hear me while I think without saying my thoughts out loud, right?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then I want to thank you for saving my life. Whatever you did, you made me survive my overdose”, I out my gratitude.

 “You’re welcome. Ah, there’s the doctor! I let you two alone now”, my conscience says.

_Stay_

_I want you near like a shadow in my wake_

 

Around noon, my sister visits me again. I just finished my lunch.

‘You’re early’, I say. There’s a huge smile on my lips when I see her. I’m almost surprised that I’m so happy to see her. It feels like I haven’t seen her in ages. She walks over to me and winks.

 ‘You look a lot better than yesterday! And is it just me or do you finally recognize me as your sister? There seems to be no more haze in your eyes’, Jennifer remarks.

 ‘Yep. The old Jari is back again’, I joke. She hugs me and I wrap my arms around her as well.

‘It’s been awhile, huh?’, I mutter. I can hear her cry softly. ‘Yes. You were so disconnected from everything. Even before you went to that motel. Do you finally remember what happened? What caused you to go this far?’, she wants to know.

 ‘Kind of. I remember leaving my former band. We all broke up in the end. And then… I got dumped by my partner. It was also around the time I came out, right?’

 ‘Yes. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Jari. If I had knew better… but I really thought you-’, I stop her by raising my hand.

 ‘It’s okay, Jennifer. I would’ve probably told you I was doing fine anyway. You know me’, I say.

She lets go off me and looks for my eyes.

‘So, what now? Or is it too early to ask you that?’

‘Nah, not at all. It’s okay. I’ll try to get back to my old life. Well, to the less depressive part of it. I want to give it a try. I want to make things right. Show that I can do it.’

 ‘You don’t have to prove anything to us, Jari. We’re just so glad to have you back’, Jennifer says.

 ‘I know, Jen. It won’t be easy, though. With no job, I don’t know if I can pay the rent’, I huff.

‘You could come live with me until you find some work again’, my sister suggests. My eyes widen in surprise. Is she serious? But when I look for her eyes, I see she’s serious.

 ‘Oh, Jennifer, thank you. Thank you so much!’, I exclaim in tears. She pats my back and hushes me.

 

My sister stays the whole day. Even in the evening she’s at the hospital. After she and I have had our dinner separately, she returns to my side.

‘Aren’t you getting tired? You look exhausted’, I comment but she shakes her head.

‘I’d never get tired by talking with you, sweet brother of mine. Besides, I want to be there for you now because I wasn’t there when you needed me most!’, she replies. There’s some desperation in her voice.

 ‘Thank you. I… I missed you. So much’, I snivel. ‘But it’s okay. You shouldn't feel forced to look after your older brother all the time whenever he feels depressed or even when he is just feeling okay. It should be the other way around: the older sibling looking after the younger one.’

 ‘I missed you too’, she says.

‘Would you mind if you stayed tonight?’

‘I’m sure I can arrange something with the docs and the nurses here’, she mumbles while she strokes my back.

 

_Flow with life down the drain_

_Memories and force of will sustain_

_Where will I be tomorrow_

_What will be left to show_

The next morning I awake with someone on my side. I’m surprised to find Jennifer sleeping next to me. She looks very peaceful. Most of the time, her face looks tired and frustrated.

Gently I brush some hairs out of her face. I lean in and press a soft kiss on her forehead. It wakes her up.

 ‘Good morning, sunshine. Had a good night?’

Jennifer chuckles and says: ‘Shouldn’t I ask you that same question? But yes, I’ve slept well. It has been actually just…’ – she quickly glares over at the clock- ‘One and a half hour since I sneaked into your bed.’

 ‘I slept well. You going? It’s already Monday’, I mutter.

‘It’s alright. I took a week off. When you’re out of the hospital, I’ll ask my boss to have another week’, Jennifer replies. I still can’t believe she would go such lengths for her stupid brother. Her smile is genuine.

 

_From my life_

_Stay_

_I need you here for a new day to break_

_Stay_

_I want you near like a shadow in my wake_

It takes a few weeks for me to fully recover. My parents visit me often. My father even apologizes for his behavior. I’m glad we finally get along again.

When I can go home, I go live with my sister for some time. ‘Before you know it, you can return to your own apartment’, she smiles at me when we leave the hospital.

 ‘I’ll be taking care of you until you’re ready’, she says.

‘What if takes too long?’, I hesitate.

‘It won’t. Just stay with me and it will be alright.’ I nod and trust her.

 

_It's the little things_

_Little things_

_Little things_

_That make the world_

I start to appreciate life again now that I live together with my sister.

She takes me to museums and all the small bistros in the city I never visited before.

There, we enjoy our coffee and some cupcakes. Afterwards, she takes me to her favorite ice cream vendor. I’ve never enjoyed ice cream that much.

 

One night, she takes me outside to the roof of the flat.

‘What are we doing?’, I question her but Jennifer simply points at the sky. My mouth falls open at the sight. There are millions, no countless stars spread across the otherwise black sky. It’s like I’m looking at a different world.

 ‘It’s enchanting, isn’t it, Jari?’, the mention of my name makes me look back at Jennifer. Her eyes twinkle just like the stars.

 ‘Yeah, it sure is. I’ve never saw the night that way. I always thought it was gloomy and depressing. But this is just… wonderful’, I mutter astonished.

 

“Looks like you’re getting on the right path again”, suddenly my conscience talks to me again. I wonder how long it’s been since we “talked” to each other.

 “You’re back!”

“You sound surprised. Missed me?”, the voice chuckles and I shake my head.

“Not really. I’m sorry. But you’re right, I feel like I’m getting on the right path again”, I reply.

 

‘Jari? Is everything alright?’, a squeeze in my hand gets me back to the real world. My sister looks worried.  
 ‘I’m fine. I just got a little bit lost in my thoughts while staring into that blackness’, I explain. I give her a warm hug.

 ‘Thank you, Jennifer. For everything. I don’t think I’ll be staying for more months. I think I’m almost ready to go back to my own apartment.’

 ‘You sure? I mean, I’m glad for you, Jari. I really am. Just know, that if you ever feel sad or depressive again, you’re always welcome in my home.’

‘I know. Also thank you for showing me the good side of life again. I was really lost’, I express my eternal gratitude.

Jennifer laughs and brushes through my hair. ‘You’re welcome. Really, sometimes you got to appreciate the little things in the world.’

 ‘You’re right. I’m surprised how many little things in life can be so precious. Can make you feel so… alive’, I sigh.

 

“Well, well, Jari. I guess it’s time for me to leave then. My job here is done it seems!”

“Wait, what? Where are you going? Aren’t you, like, my consciousness?”, I sound slightly panicked.

 “Apparently I’m not. But don’t worry, I feel like it’s my call to go back to where I come from. I know it sounds very vague. Heck, even I don’t know exactly who I am”, the voice says.

 “Oh, okay then. Thank you for saving my life. I don’t know if I ever thanked you properly for that?”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad to see you happy, again. Jari. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine as well. Please, live your life.”

 “I will. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

 

**  


Marko’s eyes need to get used to the light when he opens them. He is slumped against his throne.

His neck and back ache a little.

The palace is still and almost empty. Except from one little bubble floating around.

It’s the bubble from before, he remarks. Marko stands up and looks at the little thing. He smiles. He can finally see the life in it. It looks bright, lively and happy.

Now that I know that person is doing well, I, too, feel at peace. Finally.


End file.
